The Myth of Comparative Suffering
This uncertain time is having a significant impact on our mental health, in part because of the losses that come with it.
Life is filled with uncertainty and on a good day, more things lie outside of our control than within it.
This is especially true in times like these. This spring has been unlike any other time in our lives as individuals or as a nation. We have had to find new rhythms, create new schedules, and lean into new ways of living almost over night. Many are having trouble coming to terms with the impacts of coronavirus due in part to the confusing and chaotic nature of its day-to-day unfolding. This includes epidemiologists' rapidly emerging understanding of the virus, the convoluted responses of federal and local leaders, and the complicated protocols of health officials that seem to change by the day.
One woman cautions in a spoof of a national press conference, "First, you must not leave the house for any reason...unless of course you have a reason...and then you may leave the house." Obviously, this is a parody of how many of us perceive daily news briefings, but there is some underlying truth here that highlights it might feel like whiplash to keep up with the current situation. We have created a course to help you find calm in the midst of the chaos if you are having difficulty processing the rapid changes, staying grounded in the present, or stopping worry from running your life. Along with this course, I will posting several blogs in the next few weeks to help with calming anxiety. Posts will include deep breathing, visualization, mindfulness, creating routines, self care, and changing faulty thinking patterns.
Along with the anxiety that emerges from chaos and uncertainty, there is also an element of grief. As a practice, our therapists have switched over to Telehealth to continue seeing clients remotely and in my own experience, I have noticed people moving in and out of various phases as they come to terms with the impact of the virus. The process is not too different from Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance . Even if the virus has not impacted anyone you know, you may be experiencing this uncertain time like a loss because it is a loss- and not just one but many spread out over time.
Being able to process the pain of our losses is critical for moving forward.
Here and now, allow yourself to take a moment to think about and make a list of your personal losses. Or at least imagine what it would be like to create a list like that.
So what is it like to think about making a list like that? I did this practice myself and was shocked at just how many losses I was not allowing myself to either acknowledge or experience. For me, avoidance of this topic stemmed from the belief that my losses were not significant enough compared to those of others. In my mind, my circumstances did not meet criteria for a significant sadness, pain, or grief.
Oftentimes, we can fall into the trap of comparing our suffering- measuring it against other people who have really suffered or who actually deserve our sympathy. In reality, this sort of comparative suffering does not help anyone. It does not help us take sustained, committed action to reach out to others who are suffering. It does not help us to process our own pain or adjust to a new normal. It does not give us space to feel the absence of something or someone we loved. It does not permit mourning over an event we were excited about or a cause that we cared about. Comparative suffering only makes it more difficult to integrate our loss and accept life as it is now.
David Kessler, a prominent grief researcher, sat down with Brené Brown, a prominent shame researcher, for a conversation on the podcast, Unlocking Us. Kessler explained, "We're feeling a number of different griefs. We feel the world has changed, and it has. We know this is temporary, but it doesn't feel that way, and we realize things will be different." In earlier discussions of this topic, Brené Brown talked about how we begin to rank suffering in times of crisis or scarcity and use it to deny ourselves permission to feel it.
“This is not how emotion or affect works. Emotions do not go away because we send them a message: these feelings are inappropriate and do not score high enough on the suffering board. Please delete all feelings. You are not in pain enough.”
She went on to say that emotions do not just go away if we ignore or avoid them. They come back and bring shame along with them. They can also impair our ability to exhibit genuine compassion and empathy. Furthermore, she cautioned against comparative suffering saying, “The exhausted doctor in the ER in New York does not benefit more if you conserve your kindness only for her and withhold it from yourself or from your coworker who lost their job. The surest way to ensure that you have a reserve of compassion and empathy for others is to attend to your own feelings.”
Replacing guilt with gratitude can help you to hold both sadness and joy in healthy tension during this time.
Instead of allowing the guilt of comparative suffering to invade your grief process, you might try replacing it with gratitude. You can be both grateful for what you have and feel sorrow for what you have lost at the same time. You can allow yourself to sit with these emotions without trying to minimize your suffering or being ungrateful for the good things that are getting you through this season. You are a human, complex and capable of holding both grief and gratitude at the same time. Feeling one does not negate the reality or intensity of the other. Count your losses and your blessings and let yourself sit with the reality of both as you move forward and heal.
If you feel that you need help processing losses in your own life or just need some extra support during this time, please reach out or visit here for more details.