Perfectionism is a risk factor for OCD, social anxiety, eating disorders, self-harm, substance abuse, workaholism, depression, and physical problems related to chronic stress. Treating children with anxiety and depression in my practice almost always involves addressing ideas and beliefs about perfectionism that kids and parents may have. It comes up so often that I wanted to put together a reference for parents on how to identify perfectionism and some ways parents can help children overcome the need to be “perfect.”

How does perfectionism develop in children? For some it may be a personality trait, for others perfectionism is a coping skill that is used in an attempt to avoid criticism, punishment or embarrassment. It involves unhelpful thoughts and accompanying behaviors that perpetuate the cycle. Perfectionism is often a combination of both personality traits and a child’s environment which triggers the adoption of this coping skill and unhelpful thinking habits.

Perfectionism can be hard to treat because we live in a society that places value on being “the best.” Children are assessed from the moment they wake up until they go to bed on how well they can follow directions, remember expectations, perform in school, and adhere to social norms.

We want so much for our kids to do well and reach their full potentials that sometimes in the midst of our parental zeal, we send the wrong message, or we don’t understand we are sending a message at all. Replacing problematic thoughts and behaviors in children is near impossible without environmental changes. Parents, teachers and caregivers can be powerful agents of change in helping children overcome their perfectionism.

 Perfectionist Characteristics in Children

• Having high expectations for themselves and others

• Sensitive to criticism

• Inflexible thinking

• Being self-conscious, self-critical or easily embarrassed

• Engaging in overly critical self-talk

• Being emotionally guarded or withdrawn

• Low frustration tolerance

• Intense feelings of inadequacy

• Being overly critical or judgmental of others

• Procrastination in avoidance of stressful situations or difficult tasks

• Demonstrating persistent anxiety about performing

• Difficulty in making decisions or prioritizing tasks

• Persistent anxiety about making mistakes

 9 Ways Parents Can Help Children Manage Perfectionism

Analyze your own relationship with perfectionism and better understand how it comes out in your life. Do you beat yourself up over small mistakes? Are you illogically tied to outcomes you don’t have control over? Do you have unrealistic expectations for others or yourself? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may need to work on your own perfectionistic traits/coping skills. Our messages to our children become their inner voice and we can unknowingly put a voice in their heads that we never meant to through our own actions.

Monitor your expectations for your children. All of us had an idea about what we thought parenting would be before we had children (how silly of us!). For some parents, adapting to the reality that our children are their own people, with their own thoughts, feelings, struggles, motivations, aversions and goals is hard because we are tied to our own expectations of how they’re “supposed to be” and can’t see beyond those. Expectations for how to treat others or basic safety are essential, but to fully understand our children and help them become the people they were meant to be, we have to let go of just about all other expectations. If we can allow a situation to just be what it is, instead of what we think it should be, our children will be better equipped to do the same, helping to squash the idea of “perfect.”

Praise the effort, not the outcome. You may be your child’s biggest cheerleader and want to praise them when they get an A on a test, or do well in a competition, but to manage perfectionistic tendencies, focus on the characteristics the child displayed in order to meet their goals. Instead of saying “Excellent,”” Amazing,” or “Wonderful job,” comment instead on the hard work, determination, or patience it took to reach that goal. Using judgement words such as “Good job” implies that you think they do a “bad job” when the outcome is not the same as in this moment. If you praise the effort, children will learn that they are in control of how they demonstrate those characteristics, and they can use “hard work, “ “determination,” or “patience” again in the future in a variety of scenarios to get praise from the adults in their lives. They also learn that they can get praise and approval for work done, even if the outcome isn’t “perfect.”

Adopt the Motto “Do Your Best” and mean it. Children are not robots who can perform at 100 % optimal functioning all the time. Humans are complex beings with A LOT of needs, and children are no different. Some days their best may be just getting to school and sitting through the day, at other times their best will be getting a 100 on their social studies test, and sometimes their best may be a meltdown at bedtime. Understanding that children are always doing their best and want to please others will help you to have compassion and empathy when they are less than “perfect.”  Responding with the same understanding on all of their days will help to cement the belief that they have inherent worth that is not dependent on a specific performance or outcome. It’s easier said than done, but essential for raising well-adjusted children who can weather life’s ups and downs.

Model making mistakes. For most of us, we make mistakes regularly. Big ones, small ones, medium ones. Some of those mistakes will take place in front of our children, and when they do, we can help create their inner monologue for how to talk to themselves or react when they make a mistake. You’re running late, “No big deal, we’re doing our best and we will get there as soon as we can” instead of “Great, now we’re late and everyone is going to be waiting on us.” So much of life is simply out of our control and out of our children’s control. Allowing them to see this unfold with you in a healthy way will give them tools to better roll with the punches later in life.

Break from routines and be spontaneous at times. If you want to foster flexibility in perfectionistic children, break from the norm. Show kids that even when routines and structure is disrupted, you can still have fun and be “ok.”  

Raise awareness and challenge unhelpful thinking. Kids may not be able to realize when they are demonstrating perfectionism. Helping children understand when they are feeling the need to be perfect and challenging any unhelpful thinking such as, “I have to be the best or my parents won’t be proud of me” or “I can’t make a mistake or everyone will think I’m stupid” will help them better understand these thoughts, where they may come from, and how to replace those with more realistic and positive alternatives.

Avoid comparisons. Whether that is comparison of children, yourself to others, people on TV, etc. children may be picking up on these comparisons and crafting an idea of how they “should be” in order to gain acceptance. Click here to read more on the consequences of comparison.

Examine your own competitiveness. Like perfectionism, competitiveness is a trait that is stronger in some than others. It may be necessary for you to decrease your emphasis on winning to help children manage perfectionism.

Children who struggle with perfectionism need support and guidance from the adults in their lives.  If perfectionism is causing impairment to a child’s ability to develop appropriately or maintain healthy relationships, they may need professional help as well. The goal would be to manage their perfectionism so that it no longer causes impairment and is developed into a strength instead.