Grief in Children of Divorce

For better or for worse, pun intended, I have become a specialist within my field in working with children whose families are experiencing divorce. I am a trained Collaborative Divorce Child Specialist and mediator, and have guest lectured at the University of Tennessee on the subject of Grief in Children of Divorce. I have worked with dozens of children experiencing this type of loss, which according to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, ranks as number 4 on the list of most stressful experiences for non-adults.

November is National Children’s Grief Awareness month and I would like to use this opportunity to talk about a different kind of loss. Grief in children of divorce differs from grief due to the loss of a parent by death, primarily due to the lack of support children and families have at the time of divorce. When a child’s parent or sibling dies, there is usually a ceremony, a memorial, happy memories shared, food, ongoing support by family, teachers, coaches, and clergy.  Others in a child’s world may be more likely to recognize withdrawal, sadness, anger, irritability, anxiety and concentration issues as natural grief expression when the loss is as profound as death. However, children whose parents have made the hard decision to end their marriage also experience the 5 Stages of Grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance, though they may not have adequate neutral support from family, friends, or teachers due to the nature of the loss. Providing a therapist for children who are experiencing the grief of the loss of their nuclear family unit can be helpful in some cases, but there are several things parents can do to help a child move healthily through the stages of grief, from acceptance, and on to acceptance and adaptation of their “new normal.”

Here are a few of those ideas to help parents support their grieving children.

1.)   Be aware of your own emotions and know that your children are too! If you are angry at your ex-spouse, your child knows it.  If you don’t trust your ex-spouse, your child will likely know that too. It is not realistic for you to have no negative feelings about your ex or soon-to-be ex-spouse, however, as parents we have to do whatever is necessary (therapy, self-care, meditation, etc.) to learn to handle our own emotions, so that they do not spill over into the relationship your child has with their other parent. Children who can see their parents model emotional regulation are themselves more regulated. We also do not want to ever create an atmosphere where a child feels as if loving one parent is upsetting to the other parent.

2.)   Let them know all of their feelings are valid and help name them. Your child may express their grief in ways that are not pleasant. Instead of asking to be comforted, they may have behavioral outbursts or seemingly want to push you away. Through words and kind actions, let them know that their feelings are accepted, and help them find healthy expressive ways to cope with their emotions. Reflecting what you believe they are feeling can be helpful in allowing them to have words for their emotions.  If your child seems to be holding onto their emotions or experiencing an increase in behavioral outbursts, it may be time to call a counselor. Email me, info@knoxvillecounselingservices.com  to inquire about  child therapy services and how they can help your family.

3.)   Be Patient with Them. Divorce is a disorienting time for children. Their world is changing, and they have little to no control over the outcome. Your child may seem fine, even joyful one moment, and be angry, sad or anxious the next. Children may also regress back to problem behaviors that were once resolved at an earlier age such as potty training, separation anxiety, tantrums, or sleeping through the night These are all symptoms of the grief and a result of general feelings of helplessness that many children experience when their parents get divorced.

4.)   Don’t forget to have fun! One thing I always remind the children (and parents) that I work with is that it is ok to play and have fun, even if you are still sad or confused about your parents’ divorce. There is no right or wrong way to “be.” Children should be encouraged to get back to normal routines, have friends over, enjoy their time with their other parent or parent’s family and to have support in all the stages of grief. Children have an incredible ability to experience joy alongside grief in ways that adults are not always as good at. Enjoy your child’s company and provide moments of joy and lightheartedness, but also understand that the grief and sadness may still be present, and that’s ok.

5.)   You don’t have to make it all right, right now. Parents may feel increased pressure to “help” their kids feel better. No one wants their children to hurt, and especially not at the hands of their own actions. Parents I have worked with who are going through divorce often express immense guilt about their decision to divorce and the emotional toll this takes on their child and I try to assure parents that divorcing itself does not have to scar a child for life. The way parents divorce is most important, and they can make the experience easier for their child through managing their own emotions. Kids are going to have big feelings about a lot of things related to the divorce. Things may be hard at different stages (think first Christmas or Birthday, being introduced to a parents’ new love interest), but in time with the right support, many children go on to process their grief in healthy and appropriate ways and don’t have any set-backs in relationships or otherwise. Parents can’t rush the healing process though and it is a marathon, not a sprint, that requires consistent love and support over the duration of you and your child’s relationship.

6.) Take care of yourself and make sure you are attending to your own grief. No matter the circumstances, divorce is hard. It’s a loss for all involved, and it’s not only “ok”, but also necessary, to acknowledge your own grief and stress response during this time. It is never a child’s job to emotionally support their parent, so reach out to your own support network, including your own individual therapy, to be able to help manage those feelings so that you can show-up in healthy ways for your kids during this time. I don’t suggest hiding feelings from you children, because they know when you are upset, whether you show that or not, and “pretending” to be ok just causes further confusion. Instead, be honest with them about your sadness if you are experiencing this, and also model how you are processing your grief in healthy ways. Through this your kid will see that they are allowed to come to you with their own feelings of grief too.

One of the most important things we can do to support children in their grief after a divorce is to be there with them. Check in often and be willing to listen to their feelings with an unbiased ear. No matter how you feel about your co-parent, your child loves them, and they deserve to have parents who support them unconditionally, whether they are together or not.

If you are in the planning stages of divorce, meeting with a child/family therapist to help with that process can be helpful. Discussing the type of co-parent you want to be and working though that with a professional can ensure that you are setting your kids up for success during this difficult life transition.

If you have already divorced and have a child that is grieving and may need some additional support, our child therapists can help them process emotions, manage negative or unhelpful thought patterns, and can allow them space to feel whatever they may need to feel in an unbiased, non-judgmental space.

Visit our contact page here if you think your child may benefit from therapy.