Feeling, Thinking, and the Wisdom to Know the Difference
One of the most challenging parts of counseling is the process of differentiating thoughts and feelings. I almost always ask, “How does this situation make you feel?” or “What emotions does this bring up for you?” It seems like an easy enough question. But the responses that most people give are statements, rational explanations, arguments, justifications, or interpretations of a circumstance, relationship, or life event. The emotional experience is usually implied but rarely stated.
I wonder if you can pick up the unstated or underlying emotions in these responses?
“I just don’t understand why someone could act this way.”
“I wish I could talk to my mother about what is bothering me.”
“I just wonder- what if something goes wrong and I’m the one to blame?”
“My boss is always giving me more work because I’m the only one who knows how to get the job done well and on time.”
“It’s so unfair that she expects me to come over and watch her kids on my nights off.”
“I feel like he finally heard what I was saying!”
Feelings are difficult to name. We may feel sadness about a strained relationship or anger over an unfair situation at work. We could be experiencing fear over an impending deadline or joy over a new opportunity. But it is rare that we answer the question of feeling with an emotion rather than a thought.
Our vocabulary is so limited when it comes expressing how we feel about a particular situation. There is good reason for this. When we are at work or school or running errands or taking care of children, we need to be efficient. Which expression is more efficient- thoughts or emotions? So much of the modern world requires left-brain problem-solving, critical thinking, and quick communication. Even when we are with friends and family, we talk about our days and tell stories using descriptive words that evoke emotion but are not the emotions themselves.
While thought and reason are crucial for functioning and achievement, there is little space in our world for us to express how the circumstances in our lives (or the personal experiences within us) cause us to react and how we choose to feel about them. (Did you know that feelings are a choice? More on that in another blog.)
Feelings are also difficult to notice. Another challenge is that we may not even know what we are experiencing because we were never taught to attune to the way we experience emotions in our body. Even if we know which category our emotion falls into, we may not be able to identify a physical connection.
This is problematic because our emotions live in our bodies. Anxiety, though not as much an emotion as a state of being, is a go to answer to the question of where emotion resides in our body. Most people cannot help but notice sweating palms, racing heartbeat, shortness of breath, and stomach pain. But what about joy? Or sadness? Each person experiences these emotions differently so there is no right or wrong experience but most people have little to no awareness of how their mind connects to their body.
So what are feelings, how do we notice them, and how do we talk about them? More importantly, why do we need to?
A few of the core emotions were recently captured by the movie Inside Out. These emotions are Joy, Sadness, Fear, Anger, and Disgust. Of course, emotions do become more complicated but these are the basics. If we can master the art of identifying them in ourselves, then we have most of what we need to talk about and understand our emotional responses. I recommend starting here. Getting to know the core five is further than many people will master over a lifetime.
The next step is beginning to differentiate and identify the nuances of each emotion and their level of intensity. There are almost endless variations of each core emotion (i.e. amusement, serenity, apathy, embarrassment, discouragement, frustration). This is called emotional granularity and involves our ability to determine nuances in similar emotional states. Understanding if you are joyful rather than angry is relatively easy- these emotional states are very different from one another. Determining whether you are annoyed or infuriated is another layer of complexity.
Lastly, get to know where you are feeling these things in your body. Some helpful ways of increasing emotional awareness is through mindfulness, journaling, and meditation. You can also begin to observe and ask questions when you notice yourself having an emotional reaction. There is no right answer to these questions. The point is awareness. Useful question to ask are:
What core emotion am I experiencing? What nuanced version of the core emotion is this?
Where am I feeling this? (Does my head ache? Is my face flushed? Is my chest tightening? Is my stomach upset? Do my knees feel week?)
How intense is the emotion on a scale from 1-10?
Is this like something I’ve experienced before? Is there a metaphor that describes how I am feeling?
Emerging research is showing that the more specific we are able to be about our emotions, the better able we are to understand and regulate them. The benefits of emotional regulation have wide reaching implications for our health, relationships, work, and life satisfaction. Some of these include:
Increased self-awareness
Improved decision-making
Clearer communication
Ability to work on a team
Enhanced leadership skills
Higher self-control
Improved sleep quality
Creating and sustaining meaningful relationship
Being able to identify emotions is a skill and the more you practice, the better you will become at noticing and naming your emotions in the moment, understanding their nuances, locating them in your body, and regulating them. The greater your emotional regulation, the more intentionality you are able to have in your personal growth, your productivity, your relationships, and ultimately your health.
If you feel that you need help navigating your emotions or just need a space to process, please reach out or visit here for more details.