Surviving Your First Post-Divorce (or Post-Separation) Holiday Season
The holidays are upon us. Thanksgiving is next week. Christmas is around the corner. People are making plans and are feeling many emotions about this time of year: excitement, overwhelm, stress, cheer, dread, and for many people (for various reasons), sadness and grief.
If you are navigating your first post-divorce holiday season – or are in the middle of a divorce and have already established separate homes and may be sharing co-parenting time with the kids – this time can be filled with a myriad of emotions. Children (minor or adult) may not be involved in your scenario, but if they are, it can add another layer to this complicated time.
Regardless of where you are in your divorce journey, grief is likely to rear its ugly head. Even if you were the one who initiated and wanted the divorce, even if your divorce was finalized in the spring and you have had amazing summer and fall seasons of growth, you can expect that there will be a twinge (or more) of sadness around this time of year. (Or maybe you didn’t expect it and are surprised it is happening.) That is, unfortunately, the nature of grief. It comes and washes over us when we are least expecting it, reminding us of what we’ve lost. And it forces us to honor and process what we’ve lost.
The holidays are about family, friends, connections and traditions. What traditions did your family share? Did you always travel to one spouse’s family for Thanksgiving and then switch for Christmas? Did you open up one more more presents Christmas Eve? Do you do elf on the shelf with your kids? Were you particularly close to some of your in-laws and looked forward to seeing them around the holidays? Did your adult children come gather at their childhood home and bring their spouses and children? Did you have specific religious or spiritual traditions?
Whatever they are, there are traditions that you and your spouse – and children – established. Divorce forces you to say goodbye to those traditions, which is a major loss of what was and what would be in the future. We create and hold on to traditions because they bring comfort, familiarity, a sense of belonging, predictability, showcase our values, create meaning and memories, and pass on the rituals and customs from generation to generation.
Without these traditions, we can feel a little lost and lonely. Our compass is no longer pointing us in the direction we need to proceed. Going back to being the one who initiated and wanted the divorce, you can still feel sad about the loss of the traditions around this time. After all, your marriage had meaning to you, even if it ended, and the rituals and traditions did as well. If you are a newly-divorced or newly-separated parents with minor children, you are facing your first holidays possibly without the children on those actual days and may be tremendously sad about missing the kids open their presents Christmas morning. Yes, you say, they can still open them at my house on December 28, it just won’t be the same. You may also be tremendously sad about not being with your ex-spouse on these days, especially if you didn’t want the divorce.
10 Tips For Surviving This Holiday Season
1. Honor yourself and your needs: If this is a season where you need retreat, rest, and solitude, then honor that. Don’t fill up your calendar and say “yes” to everything to avoid feeling the sadness – because it will still be there, and maybe stronger, after the holiday season if you don’t deal with it. If you are emotionally exhausted from everything that’s happened over the last year or so and don’t feel like putting on a happy face, then don’t. Spend time cozying up on the couch and engaging in activities that recharge you. *A caveat – isolating yourself completely during this time is likely to increase depression and loneliness, so have a balance of alone time and social time with those who are understanding and provide comfort.*
On the contrary, if you are the type of person who really recharges and gets energy from other people, then maybe you need to attend the social events and do more activities (a Turkey Trot, hiking, exploring new hobbies, etc.).
If you need more support from friends, ask to go to coffee. If you need limited time with your parents, set boundaries and leave early. You know you better than anyone and what will make you feel better. Be curious about your needs, listen to them, honor them, and ask for what you need/want from others.
2. Take a social media break: This time of year, our feeds are filled with seemingly perfect families in matching Christmas pajamas, a big Thanksgiving spread with 20 family members, family vacations to tropical locations, and New Year’s Eve pictures with couples dressed up and kissing at midnight. Spending time consuming this content is the fastest track to robbing yourself of joy. We get into compare and despair mode and feel as though we are the only one in our situation and everyone else’s family is great and perfect. They’re not. We all logically know that social media is everyone’s highlight reel and the narrative they want you to believe about their life, but this is difficult to remember when you are seeing them all dressed in matching pajamas, leaving cookies and carrots by the fireplace for Santa. Our emotions are in charge at that moment and it feels terrible to looking at those images.
Take. A. Break. Do not torture yourself by looking at this. I promise you, you really won’t miss a lot by deleting Facebook and Instagram (temporarily, or maybe you decide you like life better without it!) and you are more likely to be present in your own life. There is a plethora of research studies that show time on social media correlates with increased anxiety and depression. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why.
3. Spend time with your family and friends (and pets!): If you are without your kids on Thanksgiving or Christmas, maybe you go to a Friendsgiving, or spend the day with a close friend and their family. Or spend time with your family (as much or little time as you want). Take your dog on a hike. Point is, figure out where would be a supportive, loving place to spend those holidays where you can feel connected and a sense of belonging.
4. Create new traditions: Think about what new traditions and rituals you want to establish with yourself and/or with your kids. Perhaps there are movies you want to start watching each year. Perhaps you want to start taking trips around the holidays. Perhaps there was something you always wanted to do tradition-wise that you couldn’t when you were married. Now is the time to start them, and ask your kids what traditions they’d like to start. It is okay to continue traditions that are particularly meaningful to you, but it is also okay to let some go and establish new ones.
5. Be flexible and cooperative with your co-parent: Do you notice in your parenting schedule that due to holiday schedule, your co-parent will go a long time without seeing the kids? Maybe you offer some time or a day for them to spend together so the stretch isn’t as long. Is your co-parent asking for a little extra time to accommodate travel plans? Instead of adopting a mindset focused on time (“it’s my time”) adopt a mindset of what is best for the kids and look at it through their eyes. “They would really enjoy spending another day with their cousins, so yes, you can have an extra day.” Point is, give and demonstrate what you would like in return. You and your co-parent you are likely both reeling from experiencing the first holidays separated and sharing kids, so be compassionate and understanding towards one another and extend olive branches when you can. Especially because that tremendously benefits your children. Your children are also going through their own grief process during this time, so be compassionate towards them with your co-parenting decisions.
6. Be excited for your kids regarding their holiday experiences at your co-parent’s house: Research shows that the most important factor in kid’s healing and resiliency post-divorce is the quality of the co-parenting relationship. Kids should be and need to be free of any of the adult emotions and tensions. They need to be free to come back to your house and say “I had such a great time at mom/dad’s for Thanksgiving.” “Santa brought me the most exciting gift at mom’s house.” “Dad took us on this amazing trip to the beach.” And have you be excited for them and responsive to their experience. Do not steal their joy. You quietly think to yourself “Oh yeah, well the only reason your dad took you on an amazing trip is because he feels guilty about breaking up this family.” No, there is no room for that type of talk to your children around the holidays, or ever. Don’t make your sadness their emotional burden. This creates an enormous amount of issues and I won’t get on my soapbox about it right now. Create a space and an environment where kids feel free to share their experiences about what has happened at the other house and be happy for them when things are going well.
7. Provide a welcoming environment and dynamic for adult children: Adult children may feel stuck in the middle regarding holidays. They may want to go to mom’s house because they are want to show extra support and love to her. Or to dad’s for the same reason. Or maybe they go to one parent’s house because they are closer to their friends from childhood. Their reason for choosing one house over the other may have nothing to do with either of you individually or the divorce circumstances. And siblings may choose different houses. Or maybe they choose to not visit either parent this holiday season. Whatever it is, give your children the space to make their own decision and respect if they choose to spend it with the other parent. Don’t put your adult kids in the middle of your divorce.
8. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions: Validate your experience. This is difficult. To deny or pretend or convince yourself otherwise is invalidating your experience and will only make the emotions more intense. You may be tempted to numb those feelings with a drink, or shopping, or the internet, or whatever vice it is… but I promise you those emotions will still be there after that temporary distraction has passed. Let the emotion come up, name it, feel it, and be compassionate towards yourself. It is okay to cry. It’s okay to scream and be angry. It’s okay to feel whatever it is. It’s okay to be relieved that you don’t have to spend another holiday at a least favorite in-law’s house. Ride the wave of the emotion and it will pass. And you can tell yourself this is difficult, but not impossible.
9. Volunteer: Studies show when we spend our time volunteering and giving, it has a positive effect on our mood and sense of well-being. Oftentimes we come into contact with people who are in less fortunate situations than us and it reminds us of all we do have and we become more grateful. Acts of kindness are one of the Seven Habits of Happiness.
10. Practice gratitude: Another happiness habit, gratitude is an important component to our happiness and well-being. It helps us focus on what is going well and everything we have to be thankful for instead of focusing on what’s not going well and what is missing. Gratitude can be big things, but it can also be found in the small moments of life. In fact, practicing noticing these small moments will cultivate seeing the world through a lens of appreciation which leads to a deeper sense of contentment and happiness. So, despite everything that is not this holiday season, what is and what are you appreciating?
If you are trying these things and you still feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness, despondency, and sadness, you can
Connect with others experiencing the same time in their life or talk with a therapist: You don’t have to go through this alone. You can join a divorce support group or seek individual therapy to have a space to process everything and have support during this time. It is okay and normal for life to feel upside down, still, as you are recovering and rebuilding. Joining a support group can give you the feeling that you are not alone, there are others in the same place, and they truly understand what you are experiencing. You may also learn things from people further along in their divorce journey and offer some hope to those further behind. Individual therapy can be a place to process and heal and it is important to work with someone who understands the emotional divorce process, co-parenting, and the rebuilding.
You will create new traditions, new memories, and feel stronger with each holiday season.
Please call or email me if you would like to schedule a counseling or divorce coaching session online or in person if this article resonates with you and you can use extra support. I’d be honored to work with you.
This blog originally appeared on Emily’s Nashville-based website.